The London Initiative

For 2012, of course. James Hamilton suggests we compete by not competing, thus:

* Just have the Queen cut the tape and then cut to the sport. The “John Smiths” approach.

* A “Jack the Ripper” theme: the murders are reenacted in a reconstructed Whitechapel in the stadium, and the killer, played by his close relative, the Prince of Wales, escapes through the crowd.

* Or go for the Blitz: bomb out the trams and buses on the day of the opening ceremony, then have what Spitfires and Hurricanes remain battle it out with Heinkels and Messerschidts over the stadium whilst inside in amongst sandbags, ack-ack guns and Anderson shelters WAAFs hand out builders’ tea and hang men in nuns’ costumes from makeshift gallows

* Deliberately misconstrue the stadium’s location and make the audience sit through “Titus Andronicus”.

* Oh, I don’t know. I’m feeling uninspired this morning. Let’s just do what we did last time:

I think we could do even better:

1. Get the Real IRA to ignite a few redundant buildings

2. Cover London in mud, generate a lot of fog and do The Dickens Games.

3. Persuade the Olympic Committee to include darts and turn London into a gigantic pitted dartboard.

4. Give it a water theme and remove the Thames Barrier.

5. Invite Diana Ross to kick a football. Or anything at all.

If we can't get Diana Ross, Donny Osmond would do.