Thursday, 26 November 2009

A Very Modest Proposal


I know it's my fault in the following cases:


global warming
the credit crunch
bad markets
human mutations
dim children
thin women
fat women
women's eating disorders generally
bad shoes
no babies
any women (should there be any) who drive badly
women's lack of ambition
bad information / misinformation
my own health
the weather (weather girls are not to be blamed)
for not working till I die and coming home with beer on my breath
not being able to take the beer then having sex with under-age girls while knowing perfectly well what I do


Add to that my natural tendency to rape, pillage, murder, bully, fart aloud, and bring pain to my mother by being killed in some roadside bomb incident, and admitting the fact that...


"To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he's a machine, a walking dildo."
- Valerie Solanas,

"Men love death. In everything they make, they hollow out a central place for death, let its rancid smell contaminate every dimension of whatever still survives. Men especially love murder. In art they celebrate it, and in life they commit it. They embrace murder as if life without it would be devoid of passion, meaning, and action, as if murder were solace, stilling their sobs as they mourn the emptiness and alienation of their lives."
- Andrea Dworkin

"The proportion of men must be reduced to and maintained at approximately 10% of the human race."
- Sally Miller Gearhart


...I am obliged to agree that from the cradle until adolescence I should have been kept fully informed that everything I do or think or feel is irredeemably awful, and that even as a grown-up poet, I am, as Wendy Cope has it, a TUMP (totally useless male poet).

I therefore make the following very modest proposal.

I am still in possession of a set of genitalia. I admit they're not great, or at least I have never considered them great. They have been minor agents in the production of two children (and very nice too, thanks to their mother, even the boy) but in doing so they have fulfilled and completed their natural function.

Nevertheless I think they may be properly comestible given a little care and imaginative seasoning. The Hungarian poet, Virág Erdös, in her poem, 'Vision: Game Over' (the poem is included in the New Order anthology I have just edited) suggests:

Testicle Baked in a Roll. In the Admiral Bar apparently they use male apes, but I have a suspicion they add a little something extra. I particularly like them a little overdone.

It's not a big meal but might do to for a light lunch, like tapas, maybe a little couscous and relish on the side. Being Hungarian I cannot resist a dash of paprika (must be Hungarian, cherry peppers are delicious), or at least a splash of Tabasco. Erdös likes them overdone but I suggest serving rare. Gently fry in virgin oil. Could serve in breadcrumbs though we know how fattening that is, but why not? Just this time? You deserve it!

The younger the testicles of course the fresher and less potentially fattening. The operation could be performed shortly after birth with minimal pain, much like circumcision. Serve with fresh salad and, ideally, eat outdoors. Excellent for a summer picnic.

As for the genitalia of older men - if they have got this far - the taste does not improve, but they can be used to fill out mixed grills. Alternatively preserve and tin and dispatch to the hungry in the relevant parts of the world. Waste not, want not.



*Being contrite regarding my male faults it is quite certain that I have not exhausted them, so welcome any links to further incentives to self-chastisement and mutilation.



15 comments:

James Womack said...

You wouldn't have the balls.

George S said...

You'd have to check that for yourself, unless you accept written guarantees by nearest and dearest.

Reading the Signs said...

a) but can we be sure that they would be organic?

b) you might like to check this http://ruthie822.blogspot.com/2009/11/in-appreciation-of-men.html

George S said...

Organic? They can play J S Bach!

Billy C said...

George at his mischievous best :)

My recipe for old men's testicles.

Soften in salt water for at least three days. Simmer for three hours. Remove from pan. Slice thinly, cover one side with Bostic and fasten to the mouths of Valerie Solanas, Andrea Dworkin and Sally Miller Gearhart.

I've been off *a'gaddin', George. (*Working class English for holidaying.) Logged on to your blog this morning and had my first internet chuckle at: "I myself have one careful owner, just a few spots of rust, with MOT till August and all working parts, though you have to go a little easy on the clutch."

I suggest you check the oil regularly :)

George S said...

Oil is in plentiful supply, Billy. Hope you enjoyed your holiday.

George S said...

Reading the Signs - thank you for the pointer to Ruthie's. I will glance at it at times of great stress or whenever I think of tapas.

Mark Granier said...

Absolutely George, might as well fling mine into the stew (since they are at least partially Irish, Swift would approve).

This article from 2005 partially explains Dworkin's attitude:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article380787.ece

Greer puzzles me though. She wrote an article some time ago in which she made some very good points about rape; how one of the stigmas attached to it (the idea of a woman as 'damaged goods') could be as damaging as the act itself, if not more so. Then she effectively obliterated her own argument by ending it with a variation of that tunnel-visioned call-to-arms: all men are rapists, in thought if not in deed. What flabbergasts me about this kind of thesis is that (a) if it were actually true and (b) if you actually managed to convince a sizable proportion of men to agree with this 'truth', then (c) it follows that these men would be presented with a perfectly adequate excuse to carry out their fantasies in the flesh; being men, they are already rapists anyway, so why not?

George S said...

I think the question that arises out of Greer, Mark, is that if all men are rapists why are there not rapes all the time? What's stopping us?

What I dislike about Greer's and Dworkin's arguments is that they are addressed not to 'doing' but 'being'. That is the worst and lowest human argument.

Furthermore, given that the human race is continued by way of acts of penetration Dworkin's argument meets with certain practical difficulties.

Greer proposes that men hate women, but I don't think that is the case. I think men desire women (plural) and it is transference of that desire that results in violence, which some women actually welcome in due and restricted proportion (as do some men). That is compounded by the mother-son relationship where the son both wants to be - and needs to be - independent, yet to maintain mother as last resort comfort. Mothers, in turn, want sons to be independent yet dependent. Women with fathers raise comparable issues.

The old rhyme went:

Higamus hogamous
Men are polygamous
Hogamus higamus
Women monogamous


I think, on the whole that, if the rhyme is true, and I suspect it is, more women get their way in this matter than do men, since monogamy works a lot better in complex societies. It is one of the reasons why women stand to gain a lot more from socialisation. Women's weapons are essentially psychological and the ability to say no, both formally and informally. Men's weapons are generally physical and systematic. Socialisation is mostly psychological and is carried out in early childhood, almost exclusively by women.

Women fear physical violence: men fear psychological violence. Women deal out psychological harm, men hit each other and occasionally kill each other. Women bully long and mentally. Men bully short and sharp by establishing physical domination. Women are just as capable of hating men out of fear (perfectly understandable fear) as are men of hating women out of frustration (perfectly understandable frustration).

I know I am not saying anything vaguely new or particularly perceptive: all this seems to me as plain as the nose on my face, and that is plainer than most noses on most faces.

Not that male and female interests are ever independent of each other. Despite all kinds of tensions men and women are capable of great kindness and tenderness towards each other, and are in fact, much of the time, willing to offer such kindnesses and deep, devoted, clear-eyed love.

In the long run we are all dead. In the long run we need each other. In the long run we discover that.

Mark Granier said...

'I think the question that arises out of Greer, Mark, is that if all men are rapists why are there not rapes all the time? What's stopping us?'

Yes George, though I imagine Greer (and Dworkin etc.) would respond by saying that most of us are afraid of the consequences of obeying our instincts; that we lie to ourselves, pretending that we are more civilised than our true nature (that which we avidly fantasize about).

'What I dislike about Greer's and Dworkin's arguments is that they are addressed not to 'doing' but 'being'. That is the worst and lowest human argument.'

Yes, that is partly what repulses me too.

'Furthermore, given that the human race is continued by way of acts of penetration Dworkin's argument meets with certain practical difficulties.'

But the penetration need not be carried out by actual men. The WRIP (Women Rulers of an Ideal Planet) could breed or possibly clone some of us (that sadly necessary 10%) and take our seed for artificial insemination, as we presently do with cattle.

'Women deal out psychological harm, men hit each other and occasionally kill each other. Women bully long and mentally. Men bully short and sharp by establishing physical domination.'

I know you're speaking of generalisations George, and I actually agree with most of what you say. But I do think it's important to point out that men are also excellent at mental bullying and psychological harm, especially through the workplace and institutions (religious, educational, etc.). And of course there are many forms non-physical torture, most, if not all of them, probably devised by men.

'Women are just as capable of hating men out of fear (perfectly understandable fear) as are men of hating women out of frustration (perfectly understandable frustration).'

Yes, and as I've said before, it is interesting how misogyny's parallel word, misandry, is so (comparatively) unfamiliar.

'In the long run we are all dead. In the long run we need each other. In the long run we discover that.'

Amen to that, big time!

George S said...

Good answers, Mark. Will pick up some points once I am home this evening or tomorrow morning..

George S said...


As a man I feel more generalised against than generalising. Generally.

Still speaking generally, the non-physical tortures devised by men would be more straightforward - generally speaking - than those devised by women. I don't immediately propose putting this to the test.

I think it's rubbish about fear stopping men from raping women. I have never in my life wanted to rape a woman and I would guess most men wouldn't. My suggestion is that the woman being willing is a major part of the pleasure for most. I cannot answer for the criminal, but do resent the assumption I am one. I want a concrete charge against me so I can sue.

My other guess is that we know very little of female desire because to reveal would be to render vulnerable. Power and vulnerability are not confined to either gender. Generally speaking.

Modern science can provide reproduction without penetration - but I suspect this could work both ways pretty soon. Meanwhile, back in the millennia till now there was no in vitro. Clever old male science, eh?

Poet in Residence said...

George, here's a whizzer!

"I say, IT's not very big is IT?"

"Aye appen tha's reet lass, thow IT's big enuff ter fill yon pram:"

best,
G

julienne said...

Many laughs at your original post, and then appreciation for the ensuing discussion on male/female generalizations.

"In the long run we need each other." I wonder what it would take for Greer to understand that, write it, mean it.

George S said...

Welcome, Julienne.