Late Night Final

Well, it was a match that gradually improved as it went along until it finally attained mediocrity. By the end I didn't care who won providing the Netherlands lost. Spain tried and failed to play much football, the Dutch generally tried and succeeded at assault. Why Mark Van Bommel plays football rather than kick boxing is a mystery to me, as is the question why he stayed on the pitch in this game and in every other game he has played in the World Cup.

Of course the Dutch should have had a corner just before Spain broke away and scored so the general tenor of dissatisfaction was fully maintained. Howard Webb has given out twenty-eight yellow cards and made the best conspicuous mistake of the knock-out stages. England's reputation for competence was thereby upheld. In fact, to tell the truth, I was inwardly chanting, 'It's just like watching England' in the middle of the first half. See, we could have been there.

In my special capacity as God of the Alternative Universe, I have awarded the cup to Uruguay with Spain and Germany equal second. I have relegated the Netherlands to another planet altogether. There they are doomed to play England every Saturday for the next two years

Here endeth today's lesson. Now for a stiff drink for the fortieth. Other reflections tomorrow.