Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Consultation by phone

I read (in haste) that it has been suggested that, rather than going to the surgery, patients phone in to their doctors, thereby saving on carbon emissions. Maybe, but I envisage the following:

PATIENT: (rings)

VOICE: Thank you for calling. All our doctors are busy right now, but your call is important to us. Please hold the line (meanwhile...two hours later....)

or, alternatively...

PATIENT: (rings)

VOICE: If you have a runny nose, slight temperature and a touch of sickness, please ring off now. ... If your joints ache and have done so for more than three days, press button 1.... If you are having trouble with your digestion or with your plumbing generally, press button 2.... If you think you've gone blind or deaf or lame or mad, please press button 3. If you would like to hear a brief patronising remark by one of our doctors, please press button 4....

It is button 4 you will grow to know and love.

(Heads off to London.)


Gwil W said...

Dr Freud: Mr. Szirtes, have you been writing Monty Python scripts in your spare time?
GS: Whatever gave you the idea that I have any spare time?
Dr Freud: Sorry. I must have been dreaming.

Rachel Phillips said...

and finally, if you would like a sick note, press print on your phone keypad now...

George S said...

Gwilym :) as they say in computer land.

I have been to the doctor about four times in twelve years, Dubois, generally instructed to go by C and each time against my better judgment. The doctor looks at me and immediately assumes it is a sick note I am after.


Rachel Phillips said...

Ditto ditto me.

Anonymous said...

at the risk of sounding odd, please don't avoid 2 things that people of our age in this country MUST take seriously:

-a simple blood test for prostate cancer ( don't wait for symptoms )
- and ditto colonscopies ( a surgeon I know says it's a travesty in this country that so many people have these tests way too late, in particular the above ). Please !